Continuing my first attempt at Matthew Illsley's satirical gamebook Dawn of the Donald, I go through the door I'd just reached, and reach a choice of routes down to an even lower level: a helical staircase and a rusty ladder to a tunnel that has a slight whiff of maple syrup. Aware of the scent's associations, and the fact that not many Canadians are members of the US President's fan club these days, I choose the latter.
Armoured doors are set into the tunnel walls, most of them locked, but behind the last one I find a randomly-determined right-wing Canuck. He flings a lobster at me, and I must Take a Chance. Luck is with me, and I parry with my sword, cleaving the hurled crustacean apart. The enraged Canadian attacks, and a string of lousy rolls at the outset of the fight means that I lose half my Survival Index before rallying and defeating him.
The description of the aftermath of the combat avoids naming my opponent, so this section probably follows on from most or all of the different encounters that can be had here. I'm in an office, and check the desk that stands in one corner, which is an antique defaced with pro-Trump graffiti. It has four drawers, one larger than the others. In case of traps, I consume some of my health-restoring resources before opening anything.
The first drawer I try contains a rattlesnake, which promptly attacks. The dice favour me more in this fight, though, so I win without taking any damage, and don't need to use the antivenom I found earlier. The next drawer contains a can of Diet Coke, which I can drink to regain a little more health. While aware that American advertising makes out that there's a fierce rivalry between Coke and Pepsi, I have no idea whether or not consumers of big name colas find this anywhere near as divisive an issue as politics can be, so I don't know if the book's assertions about my preferred beverage are liable to offend some readers.
I try another drawer, which sticks. Perhaps because of a slightly similar set-up in another gamebook, I immediately suspect a trap, but my character is less wary, and forces the drawer open, thereby triggering the explosive surprise prepared by the office's late occupant. Despite faring poorly when I Take a Chance, I survive, taking a surprisingly small amount of damage, but the desk and the contents of the drawer I never got to check are destroyed, leaving me with no option but to climb back up the ladder and descend the stairs.
They lead to a tunnel in better condition than the ones through which I have been travelling. Around a corner I find a pedestal with a comedian's head on it - presumably an unsubtle act of retaliation for the photoshoot she did involving a facsimile of Trump's severed head. Shortly afterwards I am attacked by a torture-crazed Democratic Senator in Native American garb, who wounds me once before I terminate her existence. My Survival Index is getting disconcertingly low, so I use up what restoratives I still have.
Continuing along the tunnel, I notice that it is becoming increasingly dusty, and start to hear and feel a powerful electrical humming. Is this going to be some macabre fusion of vacuum cleaner and the remains of Herbert Hoover? Nope: rounding another corner, I see a black sphere atop a podium. This is the legendary Magic Hate Ball, a repository of the concentrated rage of the President, and its emanations start to have a deleterious effect on my mental processes. A direct attack on it seems unlikely to go well, so I target the podium instead, hurling my sword at it from a safe distance. This works spectacularly, annihilating the sphere, and earning me a Fortune Balance reduction.
Retrieving the sword, I proceed through a door into a sewer pipe. At the far end is a turnstile, but two wooden doors face each other about half way along it. Above one of them is a sign indicating that it leads to a fortune teller, her name suggesting that this may be another comedian who's been critical of Trump. This could be an opportunity to receive a warning about some threat I have yet to encounter, so I'll try to avail myself of her services, hoping that I won't be expected to throw a silver dollar across her palm.
I was misled by the name. It's a different woman, and a quick check on a search engine reveals her to be a conservative activist, though here she's sacrificing a chicken while wearing a stereotypical witch's costume. All things considered, I doubt that any help I might get from her will actually be beneficial, so I attack her. That doesn't work out well for me: she flings the bowl of chicken's blood at me and escapes through a trapdoor. The book then has me waste time searching the room and finding nothing of use, denying me the opportunity to investigate the other door, and forcing me to advance to the turnstile.
Once I've passed that, I find myself in another corridor, which soon brings me to a choice of doors, one marked 'Authorized Personnel Only', the other designated 'Storage'. The former could be progress or a trap (or both), but there might be something useful or essential behind the latter, so I try that one first.
The room is full of lost property, and has another exit, beyond which I hear running water. A few items catch my eye, and I can probably only take one. The Hillary Clinton doll is a little too Chucky-esque for my liking, and the leather pouch could contain something nasty (there's gamebook precedent), but the sunglasses might be the They Live type (that too has happened before in a gamebook), so I'll grab them. They don't immediately reveal anything, and I have the option of discarding them in favour of another item, but that just strengthens my suspicion that they could be important later on, so I retain them (though, owing to the poor illumination in here, I don't keep wearing them) and hope that they won't get me drawn into a preposterously long fight.
The exit leads to a spacious grotto, with stalactites jutting from overhead, and a wide and turbulent-looking river running through it. Also here are assorted lockers, an unsafe-looking rope bridge spanning the torrent, and a ferry boat operated by someone who looks more Charon than Wererat. For starters I'll see if there's anything of use in any of the lockers. Most have lost their doors and contain nothing of value, but there is one that has rusted shut, and trying to prise it open requires me to Take a Chance. I get a favourable outcome, and find a Brass Trumpet consecrated by Bruce Springsteen and the E-Street Band. This could apparently be a powerful weapon against the President, and acquiring it shaves a couple of points from my Fortune Balance.
Time to see if the bridge really is as ramshackle as it appears. Yes, it is, and I lose a point of Survival Index when a slat breaks underfoot. So, do I brave the waters or risk approaching the ferryman? The lack of an 'if you haven't done so already' by the wade option suggests that it's not a decision I can come back from, but that could indicate a safe crossing or unavoidable Instant Death, whereas it looks as if I may be able to reconsider taking the ferry if speaking with its operator does nothing to dispel my concerns.
He is as skeletal as I had expected him to be, though I didn't anticipate the MAGA baseball cap or T-shirt with dodgy-looking slogan, and the price for crossing turns out to be a can of Diet Coke. Alas, I already drank the one I found, so I have no choice but to step into the water. It's shallower than it looked, and while unpleasant to wade through, it doesn't seem to be harmful per se. Its contents, on the other hand...
A warning cry from the ferryman indicates alerts me to the fact that there's something speeding towards me below the surface, and I must Take a Chance. Unfortunately, I roll so low a number that I cannot evade the Kraken, and once more have to Take a Chance. I'm not unlucky twice in a row - the vicissitudes of fate are less harsh here than they tend to be in FF - and I'm able to extricate myself from the Kraken's grasp after I lop off a tentacle.
Hurrying ashore, I dash into a convenient elevator and head upwards, arriving in the Visitors' Foyer of the White House, and getting to reduce my Fortune Balance again for making it this far. Owing to ongoing construction work, there's no immediate access to the next floor up, so I need to pick a door from here. I wonder if there's a secret passage in the library...
The room is darkened, and the description of its contents includes no mention of books. What reading matter there is seems to consist only of a desk with the word 'obsolete' repeatedly carved into its top, and a sign warning of CCTV surveillance (though a glance overhead indicates the CC to mean 'Ceiling Cat' rather than 'closed circuit'). The sound of a cough indicates that the feline scrutineer is not the only other being present, but when I illuminate the area whence the sound issued, I see only a ladder up to the next level and a downward-sloping passage, its floor scored with clawmarks.
Those danger signs are so obvious that I suspect misdirection. I take a closer look at the passage, which leads to a chamber containing evidence that the White House staff have resorted to cannibalism. I turn to leave, only to find one of Trump's cronies blocking my way. An item check ensues, and I don't have what's called for here, so it's time for my toughest fight yet. Well, toughest in terms of Fighting Spirit. His low Survival Index enables me to prevail, but by now I'm in very poor shape.
An eye-shaped amulet hangs around his neck, and I risk taking it. A good choice, as it wards off evil spirits, and also restores a little health while bringing my Fortune Balance low enough to guarantee success when I next Take a Chance. Pushing my luck, I search the cavern, and that unavoidable good fortune has me find a bar of Soylent Green in a cabinet. Also in there is a cartridge case which, oddly, has a screw-top where the bullet should be. Curious, I open it, finding it to contain a bitter almond-scented liquid. My character is clueless enough to assume that it could be flavoured vodka, but I'm not about to risk quaffing what may well be cyanide. The only alternative to consuming it is discarding it, so I won't get to test it out on anyone else.
Returning to the library, I climb the ladder into the Gatsby Suite, formerly the Green Room. Disheartened by the tackiness of its new look, I make a hurried exit into the East Room, which has been converted into a cell block. In the closest cell is a Democrat Congresswoman, who begs for water. While I've drunk what water I had on me, there is a bucket of what I hope to be rainwater close by, so I reach for a convenient ladle. The cell's occupant shuffles to the door, and a sudden twinge of suspicion has me put the sunglasses back on. They reveal that I was on the verge of falling for the old 'Shape-Shifter impersonating a prisoner' trick, and I dodge away from the door before the monster can reach through the slot in the door to claw at me.
Absenting myself before the Shape-Shifter can try any Tooms-style shenanigans, I find a corridor that has largely been spared the redesigning wrought upon much of the building. On my left are many doors, most of them secured with padlocks. At the far end are stairs leading to higher and lower floors. And right in front of me is the reason for that 'largely': an alcove containing a large ceramic bust of Donald Trump Jr. Its mouth is filled with multicoloured confectionery (and I initially misread 'candies' as 'candles', consequently being baffled at having the option to eat some of them). My Survival Index is still perilously low, so I'll risk eating some in the hope that they might restore a point or two. It turns out that they're Skittles, and I've already swallowed a few when it occurs to my character that they might be poisoned. Randomness determines that they're harmless, and I do indeed heal a little damage.
Proceeding along a corridor decorated with busts of tyrants and dictators, I duck into hiding when a door unexpectedly opens. I'm not sufficiently clued-up on American right-wing groups to know anything about the apparent juvenile fascists who emerge, nor their leader, who loiters to make a phone call while the rest head off for a session of gaming and waterboarding. Do I risk attacking him, or hope he leaves without noticing me?
I attempt to take him by surprise. It's another tough fight, and almost half the rounds are stand-offs, but ultimately I only take one blow before downing my enemy and hurrying on towards the stairs leading up.
A peculiar encounter with a Francophile ends in another fight, which I win with comparative ease. He falls down the stairs, but when I go back down with the intention of dragging the body to somewhere it'll attract less attention, I can find no trace of it. Maybe this would make sense or seem funny if I knew anything about the person being caricatured here.
Anyway, I head back up, passing through an array of US pop-culture references and in-jokes that are, for the most part, lost on me, but cannot find the President. At least until, in a fit of rage, I smash a snow-globe, at which point Trump emerges from a bathroom to which I'd paid overly scant attention and threatens vengeance.
After disparaging my sword and me, he tears down the drapes covering a window, letting in the light of the full moon (could my associates have chosen a worse night on which to send me to confront a werewolf?) and transforming into a more bestial form. (Petty nit-picking alert: on the date specified, it should actually be a waning gibbous moon, not a full one.)
I hurriedly get out the Trumpet and play a Celine Dion song at the President. While it does weaken him, on its own it's not enough to overcome him, and I lack the other item that could be of use here, so it all comes down to a fight, and in this one the odds are most definitely not in my favour. Indeed, I don't even hit him once before he shreds me.
For all the good it'll do, I invoke the Florida Recount method of approved cheating, and try the fight again. This time I halve Trump's Survival Index before expiring, but at the end I'm still dead.
Based on all the illustrations of zombie ex-Presidents, glamorous goons and other antagonists that I spotted while going back and forth through the book, it's obvious that I missed a lot on that playthrough. While a lot of the more US-centric references went over my head, I found Dawn of the Donald more enjoyable than many of the other parody gamebooks I've attempted, and from a gameplay perspective, it works better than some 'serious' systems. I may well have another go at it here a little over a year and a half from now, on the day on which the book is set.
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