Certain Local Cartographical Anomalies

It's about time I was concluding my attempt at The Den of Dragons, the second of J.H. Brennan's Grailquest gamebooks. Having spent most of the first part exploring a cursed village, I finished by exploring a ruined tower, in which I found a trapdoor. I tug on the attached iron ring, which comes off in my hand, but the trapdoor disintegrates, opening up the dark shaft beneath.

The book proceeds on the assumption that I was sensible enough to buy a torch and a means of lighting it. Not a problem on this occasion, as I did make the necessary purchases, but if I'd wasted my money on half a dozen sacks, a horn, and a dozen fish-hooks instead, there'd be no consequences to my lacking a light source, even though I need one to see the stone steps leading down into the darkness.

After a brief hesitation, I start to descend the stairs, losing my footing and tumbling to the bottom without taking any damage. A subterranean corridor leads further into the darkness, and I follow it, eventually emerging into a volcanic wasteland, with towering cliffs barring movement in all but two directions. This is where the advice found on one of the scrolls penned by warrior-monk Ethelbert can help with avoiding a lethal mistake, though it turns out to be vaguer than expected. I was warned to 'avoid the more obvious road', but it's not as if one route is clearly signposted while the other is more easily missed. There's a kind of gamebook-derived metaknowledge-based logic to it, as one of the paths leads in a direction less frequently offered in gamebooks than the other, but Brennan has included better clues in worse books.

Following my chosen path, I become aware of the reek of methane mingling with the sulphurous stench. The digression on Dragon biology way back in one of the introductory passages mentioned that Dragons' flame-breathing ability is fuelled by methane produced by rotting leaves in a secondary stomach, so the smell (and the lack of a redirection to section 14, the traditional destination of the Grailquest dead and doomed) indicates that I am indeed on the right track. The gaping cavern mouth up ahead is also a pretty obvious hint that I'm approaching Dragon Cavern.

Some mildly amusing waffle follows before I get to enter the cavern, stepping into a bone-strewn cave with three exits in the north wall. No map provided, so it might be advisable for me to draw one, and hope that this place isn't as geographically muddled as some gamebook locations.

I follow a winding passage to another cave, and unlike certain adventures, this book has me notice that it is occupied by potential enemies (in this instance half a dozen Rock Trolls) before going on to describe the place. There's another exit in the far wall, and the section number for it is the same as for one of the other exits from the first cave, which is topographically unlikely. I'm not wasting my Invisibility spell (and the high Life Point cost of casting it) here, and I doubt that introducing myself to the Trolls and asking them to let me through will go well, so I draw EJ and charge to the attack.

Taking the Trolls by surprise, I bisect one of them before they can react. The other five then strike at me with their swords, two missing altogether, the others failing to get through my armour. I slay another Troll in each of the next three rounds of battle, still taking no damage, but the last two Trolls are slightly more bother. Nevertheless, by the end of the fight there are five dead Trolls and one unconscious one, and I've taken just two points of damage.

Heading northwards along a well-travelled passage, I reach a large and foul-smelling cave, which contains a mound of dragon droppings and has three exits, one of them blocked by a large boulder. Section number recognition tells me that the passage west leads to the cave where I fought the Trolls, and if I manage to shift the boulder (or waste a fireball destroying it), I can go the same way I'd have gone if I'd taken the third exit from the first cave. That bit almost makes sense on the route I've taken to get here, though if I'd come straight from the entrance cave, going east would effectively take me west. This is proving about as mappable as the first ever gamebook I wrote, and I at least had the excuse of only being an 11-year-old amateur. 

I could take a closer look at the heap of manure, but I don't think this is one of the books in which doing so could prove helpful. Instead, I take the one exit that leads to a previously inaccessible section number. And this brings me to a different kind of section number recognition: unless I am very much mistaken, the cave outside which I now find myself contains only unavoidable limb loss and death. Still, there is a side turning I could take instead of dooming myself, so I think I'll try that.

After some time this passage brings me to a cavern with a couple of exits, containing three brass-bound chests and a small casket, all of which are guarded by a sword-wielding Minotaur. He tries to stop me from going any further, I attempt to intimidate him into letting me pass, and when I name-drop Merlin, the Minotaur asks if I could seek the wizard's help on his behalf. It turns out that the Minotaur finds having the head of a bull to be an impediment to his social life, so he'd prefer a human one.

We strike a deal. Tradition requires that the Minotaur fights anyone who tries to pass through his cave, but he'll make do with a wrestling match. If I win, I get to do a little looting and proceed to one of the exits. If he wins, I have to go to Merlin and ask him to fix the Minotaur's head.

This being a fist fight, I don't have as much of an advantage as when using EJ, but I can still utilise the Luckstone, which, in combination with a few lousy rolls on the part of the Minotaur, ensures that I prevail without taking any damage. Magical safeguards that the Minotaur had placed on his belongings mean that I can only look into two of the receptacles in the cave, and apparently make it necessary to choose both simultaneously. This could lead to frustration, as one of the chests contains another scroll from Ethelbert, this one in code (easily cracked), which reveals which of the other containers holds the only essential item - but since the reader has already made their choice by the time they get the opportunity to decipher the message, it's already too late to act on that knowledge. I'm okay, as I remembered where to get the key that I will need, but a first-time player who chose poorly might not find much consolation in getting a hint about what they should have chosen but didn't.

In addition to the two exits mentioned when I first reached this cave, I have a second chance of going into the cave of Instant Death. I think I'll pass on that one again, thank you very much. Instead I try another section number I think I recognise, and the passage leads me to a cavern that is lined with metal on all sides, with vast machines lined up against the north wall. Tinkering with the machinery are a dozen hunchbacked Dwarves with malevolent expressions on their faces.

The only worthwhile option here is to attack. They're a slow-moving bunch, which means that I manage to kill nine of them and knock the other three out before they get a chance to hit back. A bit one-sided, but when so many gamebooks border on unwinnable, I'm not so bothered at having the imbalance in my favour.

Now that the Dwarves are out of the way, I can take a look at the machine. A blue metal plate has been set into the floor next to three numbered levers, each of which can be pushed up or down. Above the levers a sign warns to place a key in the slot before activating the levers, and next to the sign is a slot big enough to take the key I got from the Minotaur.

The options for lever-pulling are slightly odd. I can push them all up, or all down, or go for a mixture of up and down, but in the latter instance it doesn't matter which lever is in which position, just whether there are more up than down or vice versa. That gives four possible set-ups (plus another four, all leading to death, for using the levers without first inserting the key). It would have been possible to offer a choice of four with just two levers (both up, both down, left up/right down and left down/right up), which seems more sensible to me than having up-down-up produce the exact same results as down-up-up and up-up-down. Then again, this is a Grailquest book, so looking for 'sensible' is about as worthwhile as making 'melodious' a priority when choosing a potato peeler.

Pulling the levers sends a dizzying vibration through my body. A spiral of light coils around me, and I lose consciousness, coming round at a crossroads. Oh, and this is the bit where some of the turnings lead to jarringly inappropriate sections. So incongruous that my teen self actually crossed out a couple of the section numbers and wrote other, less bewildering but more unhelpful numbers in their place. Twit. Good thing I found another copy of the book going cheap in a second-hand shop at a later date.

One of the section numbers my foolish younger self didn't excise is also the one to which a different setting of the levers would have sent me. I'm probably better off ignoring it, but I don't think curiosity will kill me in this instance, so I take the appropriate turning, finding myself in darkness, being attacked by something large and hairy with fangs and talons. The combination of my armour and my Luckstone (plus some straightforward good luck - my attack rolls included two double sixes) keep the fight from going badly for me.

When I kill my opponent, my surroundings light up, though the corpse remains shrouded in darkness. I'm in a chamber with just one exit, which contains a pile of straw, a feeding dish, and a magic wand attached to a nail on the west wall by a leather thong. I take the wand and leave, not returning to the crossroads, but finding myself where I'd have wound up if I'd taken the other turning not adjusted by the idiot I once was.

A tunnel leads me to a cavern shaped a bit like a funnel, and a whacking great boulder blocks the only way onwards. I can move it by rolling high enough, disintegrate it with a Fireball, or spend 25 Life Points to activate that wand, which will dissolve it. Carelessly, the text assumes that I have the wand, even though I could have got here without acquiring it. Proofreading and playtesting don't appear to have been among the publisher's priorities.

Anyway, with the help of the Luckstone I manage to shift the boulder without expending any resources. Beyond it, worn steps lead down, but before I can descend, a giant lizard of some kind slithers up them and attempts to ensnare me with its long tongue. Its initial attack fails, so I get to fight it, but it only needs to win a single round (by rolling 8 or above) to swallow me, with fatal results. I think the extra damage caused by a P.O.W. spell could make a crucial difference here. The casting roll is successful, I get first strike in the fight, and I do just enough damage that, with the accompaniment of the spell, I inflict lethal damage. If this were a podcast rather than a blog, you would just have heard some celebratory exclamations.

Winning the fight takes me to one of the more stochastic sections I could have reached from that crossroads. I step over the already decomposing corpse of the lizard and descend the steps to a constructed chamber. Another exit leads onwards, but of greater interest are the treasure chest and the scroll. I read the scroll first, and am unsurprised to find that it is another of Ethelbert's missives, this one explaining the traps and other perils associated with the chest in implausible detail. Still, forewarned is forearmed (and middlewarned is elbowed).

The scroll also states that the chest contains a magical Orb said to be the only means whereby an adventurer may survive what lies ahead (and that Ethelbert had his doubts about its being so essential, and thus chose not to take it himself). I don't even have the option of not trying to get the Orb for myself, and now turn my attention to the chest.

Ignoring the hasp (which contains a poisoned needle) and the cursed gem set into the lid, I use my battleaxe to smash open the chest. EJ sometimes objects to being used on inanimate objects, and I've had no other use for the back-up weapon all adventure, so I might as well use it now.

Inside the chest I find a mass of spiders' webs, which Ethelbert indicated to be impervious to anything but magical weapons or magical fire. A couple of the section numbers here are the wrong way round in the book, but back in the eighties I was sensible enough to correct those references. The axe won't do me any good here, and I'm not wasting a Fireball, so EJ will have to face his fears (it's not as though there are any actual spiders to go with the webs) and slice through them.

Now that the webs are gone, half a dozen shadowy shapes, each about the size of a hand, flutter out of the chest. Ethelbert warned that, while flimsy, these things can do a lot of damage, so I take a swipe at the closest one with EJ (and in doing so turn to the other inappropriate section reachable from that crossroads). The Luckstone makes it impossible not to inflict a killing blow with EJ every round, which could be considered something of a design flaw, but since a couple of sub-par rolls mean that I'd have lost 30 Life Points without it, I'm not complaining too hard.

Now only the Orb remains in the chest. Well, the Orb, the cushion on which it rests, and the brass plaque explaining that in the hands of a true Dragonmaster, it provides protection against all naturally occurring firebreathers. A non-Dragonmaster might derive similar benefits from the Orb, but the only way to find out is to try. Oh, and magical Dragons are immune to its effects, so it won't help against the Brass Dragon even if it does keep me safe from the rest.

Before I go any further, I cast the spell to activate my Fireballs, so they'll be available against whatever lies ahead. Then I head through the exit and down a tunnel that leads to yet another cavern. The smell of Dragon and the sound of fluttering wings indicate that this is where the Dragons have come to roost.

No turning back. I advance into a vast cavern which contains hundreds of Dragons. At its lowest point squats the Brass Dragon, beside a marble column with a red crystal on it. The Brass Dragon's eyes focus on me, and a voice speaks inside my head. For a moment I think that the Dragon must be telepathic, but the voice rapidly clarifies the situation. Speaking to me, mind to mind, is Ethelbert himself. The Brass Dragon has trapped his soul inside the crystal, and I must shatter it to free him... provided I can first kill the Brass Dragon. And get past the vast multitude of other Dragons surrounding me. Time to use the Orb. And the dice determine that it works, emitting a song which sends all the ordinary Dragons to sleep. So far so good. Now for the big bad.

This could be a tough fight. To improve my chances, I cast Pi R Squared, giving me two attacks to each one that the Dragon makes. I hurl a Fireball - and miss. The second Fireball hits it, though. The Dragon strikes me, doing a little damage. I draw EJ, and hit the Dragon twice, glad that I was able to get that bonus to damage against Dragons. The Dragon wounds me again. Since every third round, it breathes fire, doing extra damage if it hits, I cast P.I.L.L., which incapacitates the Dragon with laughter for a few rounds. Long enough, with my doubled speed, for me to stab it several more times, inflicting a killing blow before it gets a chance to try and burn me.

With the Brass Dragon dead, I can destroy the crystal and release Ethelbert. He properly introduces himself, admits that his services are no longer required here, and offers to show me the way out. Over the course of the next few days we head back to where I started. Well, back to the cow: having been taken to and from Merlin's Crystal Cave by magic, I don't know how to get there. So all we can do is wait for Merlin to notice that I'm back and the job is done.

This takes a while: it transpires that Merlin has resorted to alchemy to try and compensate for the cut in his pension, but it keeps going wrong and turning the lead into steamed pudding (which he doesn't even like). After the seventh failed attempt, Merlin loses his temper and, in a fit of pique, decides to put a blight on the Archbishop of Canterbury's kitchen garden, but while searching for the appropriate wand he finds his crystal ball, which shows him Pip, Ethelbert, the cow, and the severed head of the Brass Dragon, which significantly improves his mood.

A brief coda follows, in which Merlin speculates on the celebrations and rewards sure to follow the slaying of the Brass Dragon, and reminds me that the Gateway to the Ghastly Kingdom of the Dead is still open, and will need closing. But that is an adventure for another day. And indeed another book.

So, that was Grailquest book 2. Like the first book, it was humorous, occasionally harsh, somewhat unbalanced as regards gameplay, a bit sloppy in places, and fun. But more so. On every count. It's entertaining enough that I can forgive its shortcomings, but some of the later books are definitely broken in places. Nowhere near as badly as certain other gamebooks by J.H. Brennan, though. And the next one in the series ramps up the lunacy but, as I recall, has fewer bugs, so I'm quite looking forward to that.

There Is More Harm in the Village Than is Dreamt of

I bought the second of J.H. Brennan's Grailquest books, The Den of Dragons, at the same time as the first. As I recall, I had a quick flick through it in the shop (probably WHSmith), and came across an encounter with a familiar character (of which I'll say more if I reach it on this attempt), while my first attempt at it ended when an arbitrary dice roll determined that the place I was exploring caved in on me. I now know that particular location to be the transition between two different stages of the adventure, so I'm going to have to make the same roll when I play the book here - always assuming I survive long enough to do so.

Mind you, I don't think these books start getting absurdly lethal just yet, so I might make it through. Especially as I did win the first book, and am thus able to carry across certain items I acquired in it. Presumably when Mean Jake stole my belongings at the end, he concentrated on the money, overlooking some potentially more valuable items. But precisely what I still have is covered a couple of sections in, so I'm getting ahead of myself.

The background material is quite substantial, but the writing is entertaining enough that it doesn't drag in the way that some gamebook info-dumps do. Trimming it down substantially, the essentials are that Avalon has been suffering the ravages of a plague of Dragons, but the situation has worsened with the arrival of a Brass Dragon, purportedly from Hell, seemingly possessed of magical powers, and definitely causing death and destruction. King Arthur has made the situation Merlin's responsibility, and Merlin, alarmed at the prospect of having his pension docked, has again used a spell in the form of a book to transfer the reader's consciousness into the body of local hero Pip.

On this occasion the mission briefing is delivered in Merlin's crystal cave (the number and variety of Merlin's homes becomes a running gag across the series), which fits a very literal reading of its name. Practically everything here is crystal - the walls, the roof, the floor, the stalactites and stalagmites, the furnishings... Merlin explains that I'm here to kill the Brass Dragon, which actually comes from the Ghastly Kingdom of the Dead rather than Hell. The gateway to the Ghastly Kingdom of the Dead through which the Dragon entered this world will also need closing, but that's a matter for another book.

Despite the continuity between books, I need to roll my LIFE POINTS afresh. This time round I only start with 36 - still above average (and given the reroll option provided at character generation, I'd be doing pretty poorly not to get at least one above-average roll), but significantly lower than last time. 

Merlin gives me a reminder of the combat rules, and then fetches my sword, at which point the text asks if I've read the previous book in the series. I have, so Excalibur Junior and I recognise each other. I also get back my armour, and half a dozen of the items I acquired during my earlier adventure, most significantly the Luckstone that enables me to increase or decrease any of my dice rolls by 3 (and most insignificantly the Wizard Ansalom's crystal ball, which no longer works). The Firefinger lightning bolts I didn't use last time are also available...ish.

The thing is, this book introduces new rules covering the use of magic. I now know ten spells (many of them with mildly silly acronyms). Most can be cast up to three times over the course of an adventure, the majority cost 3 LIFE POINTS to cast, and all require me to roll 7 or above on two dice to work. I can't use any Firefingers until I have successfully cast the relevant spell (and I can only successfully cast it once per adventure), but when I do, I gain 10 new lightning bolts in addition to the ones left over from book 1.

Before I get started, I can also buy additional equipment. Merlin hands me a couple of magic dice that convert enthusiasm into gold, so I roll them and gain money that can be spent on items from a list. In later books the equivalent lists often include various bizarre artefacts, some of them potentially of use, others just quirky red herrings, but here there's nothing more unconventional than a lute or a dozen fish-hooks. Armour can be combined with what I already have, so I buy a couple more points of damage reduction (I didn't roll high enough for the good stuff), and with what's left I get a spare weapon, some food, some healing potions, a rope and climbing spikes, and some torches plus a tinderbox. Oh, and that lute: I don't recall a situation where I'm likely to need a musical instrument in this book, but it's better to be prepared, just in case. Except where it isn't, but that's a matter for a later book.

Merlin then hands me a copy he made of an ancient map showing the route to Dragon Cavern, and casts a spell to teleport me away. I find myself in a field, being nudged in the back by one of the cows owned by Pip's adoptive parents. Checking the map, I find that the only landmark shown on it is the cow. Also depicted are four winding paths, each leading to a different section number, with no hints about what might be found on any of them.

I try heading roughly north-north-east. This may be a good choice, as the path leads to a village. However, the village doesn't seem to get any closer as I walk towards it, and dice determine what happens next. With what I roll, the Luckstone means I can go for any of the possible outcomes, but that's not much help when I don't know whether I need a high number or a low one.

I risk going high, and a walking statue lumbers along the path towards me, clearly spoiling for a fight. This looks like the sort of combat for which a magic weapon is essential, so I draw EJ. A wise choice, though even he does reduced damage in this battle. Between the Stone Man's slightly poor odds of hitting, my armour, and the Luckstone, I manage to shatter him without taking any damage.

After taking a breather, I continue on my way, proceeding to the section I'd have reached if I hadn't modified that earlier roll. Up ahead is something like a heat haze - except that it's not that warm. And the edges are clearly defined, much like a doorway. So I step through it.

Abruptly I find myself standing in the village, close to its westernmost extremity, and due east of a peculiar garden containing stone plants and statues of monsters. Near the front of the book is a picture of the village, with section numbers on all the visitable locations within it, and a conspicuous lack of ways through the surrounding stockade.

Time to go exploring. I remember where the next stage of the route to Dragon Cavern can be found, but there are some helpful or amusing encounters to be had elsewhere in the village, and I think I know which of the cottages contains only an Instant Death, so I'll just look around for a while.

Just to my west is a cottage set into the stockade wall. I take a closer look at it, and oh, it's one of those cottages. Several of them are inhabited by the same type of creature, a bizarre green biped with purple teeth, which wields two daggers and has a pouch (prompting speculation that it might be a type of kangaroo, a magic platypus, or even an Australian cricketer in fancy dress). If I had food to spare, I could avoid a fight by giving the creature indigestion, but this thing isn't much of a threat. Indeed, one blow with EJ is enough to render the brute unconscious, so I take its daggers and the negligible amount of money in the pouch.

There's a long building to the north of the stone garden. It's a disused stable. Searching it, I find a horseshoe, and get reprimanded for wasting time.

My Luckstone should keep me safe from the worst of the danger in the stone garden, so I check that out next. It is a strange place - just like a real garden, except that all the vegetables are made of stone. And full of statues of monsters, one of which almost looks as if it's moving. There are also flowers made entirely from stone, and again I get the impression that that statue moved. With a shrug, I ignore it and pull up a stone cauliflower, finding that it even has roots of stone. And by now the statue is so blatantly moving that I can no longer fool myself about it. Also, I am finding it increasingly difficult to move, and belatedly realise that I am turning to stone. The dice determine what happens next, and but for the Luckstone, I would have wound up petrified. As it is, I manage to stumble backwards out of the garden, at which point I return to normal, and the monster statue becomes inert. That was close.

Due south of the garden is the cottage I think kills anyone who enters it. A little further south is another cottage set into the stockade wall, which contains another of those dagger-toting creatures. This one gets first strike, but fails to hit me, and in retaliation I kill it with one blow.

Further east, a slightly wobbly line of cottages runs north to south. I enter the northernmost one, which contains a man in black armour, who calls out a challenge to me. Remembering an encounter in the woods outside Ansalom's castle, I realise that this is not the dreaded Black Knight, but the friendly yet hapless King Pellinore, and greet him. He explains that, having failed to find the way out of the village, he's commandeered this cottage, and hands me a scroll that he found in the course of his explorations.

The scroll has been penned by a warrior-monk named Ethelbert, who was also on a quest to Dragon Cavern. It tells me which is the safe path through the volcanic wasteland leading to the Cavern, and warns that, while the Dragons congregate on the lower level, the upper levels house various perils of their own, including Trolls, Dwarves, a man with the head of a bull, and an extremely dangerous wailing spirit. That note about the path could help me avoid an Instant Death, so it's a good thing I didn't ignore Pellinore's cottage.

Proceeding to the next cottage, I find that it has a beneficial atmosphere, and if I'd lost any Life Points, it would restore them. I haven't wasted anything, though, as it will have the same effect on any subsequent visit. If I get into one of the more dangerous fights that can be found in the village (and survive), I shall pop back here rather than risk sleeping or use up any potions

The cottage below that one contains lots of plants in pots. Many of the plants are creepers, with a remarkable degree of mobility. They attempt to wrap around me, and again the Luckstone saves my life, enabling me to avoid having my sword arm immobilised, so I can hack my way to safety.

In the next cottage I find a pit trap, with poisoned spikes in the bottom. Thanks to the Luckstone I avoid landing on a spike, and the climbing equipment I bought from Merlin saves me from being trapped down here and starving to death.

A Wolf has made its lair in the next cottage down, and leaps to the attack when I open the door. I manage to render it unconscious, sustaining a couple of points of damage in the course of the fight, and discover that the cottage also contains a casket of 100 Gold Pieces, which I take before returning to the cottage with the healing properties.

The last cottage in this line is larger than the others, and has a Gnome out front. A live Gnome, rather than the ornamental kind. He offers to give me information on the route to Dragon Cavern or the way out of the village, at a randomly determined cost. As I know the answer to the former, and am aware that getting away from the village won't help me in my quest, I opt not to part with my money, and head across the village green to the church.

Dust and cobwebs show the church to be in a state of considerable neglect. It's not completely abandoned, though, as the organ suddenly plays what sounds like the opening to Beethoven's Fifth. Maniacal laughter rings out, and a figure in a cloak and a mask swings towards me on a rope, screaming that I should "Beware the Phantom of the Village Church!" before lunging at me with a sword. As in the previous fight, I take a small amount of damage before overcoming my opponent. There's not much in the way of loot here, though: only a ring on the Phantom's finger, which tingles when I put it on, and cannot be removed.

Following another visit to the healing cottage, I proceed to the Abbey that's just across the road from the church. It too is looking rather run-down, but it's definitely still in use, as a procession of six black-robed monks approaches. One carries a banner with a golden death's head on it, the next bears a censor (sic.) that gives off a foul-smelling smoke, and all chant an invitation to stay with them forever. The invitation does not appeal, and when the four who aren't carrying any paraphernalia rush to the attack, rather than fleeing, I try casting a P.A.N.I.C. spell, to enhance the effectiveness of my armour. It works, making it impossible for them to actually harm me, so all I need do is slice away at the martial Monks while they ineffectually punch at the wall of light that protects me.

It takes me twelve rounds of combat to defeat them (along the way accruing enough Experience Points for my first Permanent Life Point), after which I search the Abbey for treasure, finding another scroll penned by Ethelbert. This one reveals the location of the entrance to Dragon Cavern - of potential use to a first-time player (who hasn't already paid the Gnome), but rather scant pickings otherwise.

Again I nip over to the healing cottage, to restore the LIFE POINTS that casting that spell cost me, and then I proceed to the graveyard. Unsurprisingly, I find many graves and tombstones there. Also one open grave, from which emerges... a drunken Gravedigger. He's a chatty individual by the name of Cedric, who explains that Stonemarten Village has been cursed. A couple of cottages and most of the villagers were turned to stone, the local banker transformed into a Gnome, the Vicar became a Phantom, and 'a very strange class of person' started to move in (I wonder if he means the monks or the dagger-using green beasties). Just before passing out and rolling back into the grave, he says that Dragons laid the curse.

At the eastern end of the graveyard is a large crypt, built of pink marble, its door bearing a brass plaque inscribed with an atrocious poem. As if that wasn't hint enough, below the plaque is an iron plate identifying this as another Crypt of the Fiend. (Incidentally, this is the part of the book I looked at in the shop before making my purchase.)

Proceeding into the crypt, I find an ebony coffin on a dais inscribed with another dismal verse. On the coffin itself is another brass plaque, explaining that I must solve a riddle to awaken the Fiend. There's no way I could have got the right answer if I hadn't already known it, as it is one of the more infamous 'anti-jokes': What's the difference between a duck?

I give the correct answer (which had been featured in BBC children's programme Jigsaw a few years before this book was published, and I'd read it in a comic before that, so it wasn't that obscure), and the coffin opens. The Fiend congratulates me, extemporises an appalling poem about being asked that riddle by the Sphynx, and solicits my feedback on his new composition. Aware that flattery is the safest response, I compliment the Fiend on the mythological allusions, and he rewards me by handing over a silver snuffbox, explaining that the snuff within is made of ground mugwort blessed by a vicar of the Anglican Communion, and heals four dice worth of LIFE POINTS whenever taken (though it can only be used once per section). That should come in handy once I no longer have access to that cottage.

Close by is a large building, which turns out to be a musty-smelling grain store. I search it, and find a rat the size of an Irish wolfhound. I only take one point of damage in the course of killing it, but that's enough to infect me with plague, so I take a quick pinch of healing snuff to ensure my survival.

There are still a dozen cottages (not including the automatically lethal one), plus the well (which I will avoid because I remember what's in it) and the ruins housing the entrance to Dragon Cavern. I won't bother with the cottage that, as I recall, contains a load of poisoned food: there's no 'don't eat' option, and while the spell P.I.P. would give me immunity, I'd rather not risk the 1 in 12 chance (courtesy of the Luckstone) of its not working. There might be something worth having in one of the others, though, so I shall pay some more house calls, starting with the others set into the stockade wall.

Two of them contain more of the green creatures, which I kill with ease. The other has a back door, so I could use it if I wanted to try and escape from the village, but since I know that the place where I need to go is in the village, I see little point in emulating Patrick McGoohan on this occasion.

Well, that leaves a block of eight cottages. One has the section number to which every cottage containing one of the green monsters redirects, and two of the others must be the ones Cedric said were turned to stone, leaving five that could contain something useful. Or more deathtraps or dagger-toting greenies. I might as well find out.

The first one appears abandoned, but while checking, I find a knob that opens the door to a secret passage. Naturally I investigate, and it eventually leads me to a blank wall, with another concealed door in it. I'm about to step through when EJ speaks up, warning me that there's always something nasty at the end of a secret passage: "It's a sort of Law of Nature, like gravity or the way you always have bits left over if you take a clock to pieces and put it back together again."

Disregarding the warning, I advance into a vast subterranean cavern, illuminated by glowing crystals, and with crystal flowers, shrubs and mushrooms growing from the floor. Tiny winged creatures flutter around the crystal flora, and a tall humanoid with silver skin and golden eyes walks over to me. It tells me that mortals who come here often have to stay for ever (prompting an, "I told you!" from EJ), but as my heart is pure and my task is urgent, I may take what I seek and leave in peace.

Not sure what I'm supposed to be seeking here, I ask for further clarification, and the being explains that this is the entrance to the Kingdom of the Sidhe, where I may be fated to adventure at some point. For now, I may go no further. That doesn't help much, and on a whim I claim that my sword told me to come here. This prompts the creature to ask for EJ, who passes out from fear before he can blatantly contradict me. The figure then strokes the blade, increasing the damage EJ inflicts on dragons, and sends me back to the village with my now enhanced sword. That went rather well.

In the next cottage I find an Old Residenter (one of a group mentioned way back in the introductory passages, who predicted trouble in response to the August rains and assorted Omens). He tells me that if I want to find the Brass Dragon, I should be looking in Dragon Cavern rather than the village, but he won't tell me how to get there because it's an immoral place. Then he gives me a bowl of stew that would restore me to full health if I were missing any LIFE POINTS and cure the plague if I still had it. If I had bought some cooking utensils from Merlin, I could take another bowl with me for later. Still, that snuff should provide all the healing I need.

Skipping the cottage I know to contain another of the green creatures (okay, it'd be another Experience Point, but it's just more faff), I find one of the ones that was turned to solid stone. Then I find and kill a further green brute.

The next cottage inexplicably transports me out of the village. I trudge along an unending road until nightfall, make camp, wake to find it raining, and am suddenly and arbitrarily transported back into the village, without any chance to make a decision throughout the whole pointless experience.

The cottage after that has a back door, and even though it's a small distance from the stockade wall, section number recognition tells me that it would work just as well as an exit from the village as the other back door. There's still no point in using it. And that leaves just one more cottage, which must be the other stone one, so why bother checking? Time to head to the ruins and Dragon Cavern. Or death if I roll too badly for the Luckstone to swing things in my favour.

On this occasion I don't need the Luckstone to get the right number. But it's getting late, and this would be a good point at which to break the narrative. Comment if you'd noticed how close the end of the post was, and assumed that I got a lethal outcome.